Did you see that girl running on the levee this morning, battling 30mph wind gusts and sleet?  She was nuts! What in the world was she trying to prove?!

Ummm, nothing, actually.  Uh, yeah, that girl was me. Just trying to clear my head after a crazy weekend.  A weekend of feeling like I was constantly trying to remember something.  A weekend full of questions like…Do you have Campbell’s birthday present?  Do you have Will’s birthday present?  Did you guys find your basketball jerseys?  Did you get everything in your backpack to take to your dad’s house?  Did you hear me?!  Did anyone eat breakfast?  Did I wash my work shirt? What did I do with the number for the insurance people?  Where are your glasses?  Where is your mouth guard?  For crying out loud, it’s 20 degrees, where is your coat?!  Who AM I?!  Yeah, after a weekend like that, it didn’t matter what the weather was like, I needed a run.  A long run.

As a single parent I feel as though I live in a perpetual state of forgetfulness.  Ask any single parent you know and they will tell you that sometimes life gets hard.  I mean, you could ask any parent about that, even one with a spouse, and they’ll tell you the same.  It’s just different.  As a single parent, we know that ultimately we’ll get a break. But we go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes.   After a crazy morning of trying to get the kids to their dad, I dropped them off, went for a run, went to work and then, tonight I find myself as the girl at the grocery store who doesn’t want to buy the whole chicken because she’s just going to end up standing at the kitchen counter, eating it alone.  (Bonus points to anyone who can name that movie reference.)  Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities disorder, it makes my head spin and it’s exhausting.

Running often mimics life.  I was dealing with some of the emotional after effects of divorce this weekend and it was wearing on me.  I started doubting myself and wondering…What am I doing?  Can I really do this?  And my run today followed suit.  I was struggling.  I was getting blown off the path by some of the gale force winds coming through the valley.  The gusts actually made me kick myself a couple times.  And I’m sure I had snot in my hair by the time it was all said and done (My apologies if that offends the non-runners).  So much for a nice, easy 10 miler.  It felt more like a fight for my life!

So there I am struggling along, the ONLY person stupid enough to be out there.  Probably a good thing, since there was no one around to hear me start singing at the top of my voice when the perfect song shuffled onto my ipod.  The words reminded me, that I CAN do this.  My speed picked up because I remembered that no matter how hard and scary things get, I’m not alone, and I’m not the only one who’s been there.

You look around
It’s staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under, you wonder…

So get out
And let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don’t wait
And don’t you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you’re not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away

But if you take that first step
Into the unknown…

Anyone who walked through even part of 2012 with me will admit that it was a tough year for me, full of unknowns.  But I persevered.  Partly because sometimes, there just isn’t  another option.  I don’t always know what the next step is.  I don’t always know when the next gust is going to come and blow me over.  I don’t ever know what curveball my kids are going to throw at me.  (Hey Mom, I have to take a collection of 100 things to school today for the hundredth day of school)  But, I’m a mom, so even if I don’t do it all perfectly, I have to show my kids that I will keep trying, even when it’s hard, and scary, and complicated, and disorienting, and confusing and messy.  I have to believe that no matter what, I’m doing the best I can.  And I won’t ever let fear hold me back from taking a step into the unknown.  Because that’s just life.

Step out, even when it’s storming.
Step out, even when you’re broken.
Step out, even when your heart is telling you, telling you to give up.
Step out, when your hope is stolen.
You can’t see where you’re going.
You don’t have to be afraid.

What are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you.
You know you’re made for more
So don’t be afraid to move.
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water too.

I wear it on my wrist because it reminds me that I can